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[13 May 2006|11:13am] |
I'm new.... Thought I would bring you up to date on... me.
4 and a half years ago, I started cutting. When I was 11... almost 12. I did it because I was depressed. My family didn't care. They saw the cuts, but they didn't say anything. When they did, it was about my need for attention. My stupidity. That only made it worse. Now I thought I was stupid... but I couldn't stop. My arms, legs, stomach... all scarred. I didn't know what to do. I actually had a hard time playing guitar, or doing anything with my left arm/hand... they grew weak from all the injuries. When I was 15... I stopped. I changed schools, changed everything... and slowly stopped. It was so hard, I needed to cut.
But I wouldn't let myself.
And then... I grew numb. The not depressed kids aren't NEARLY as reliable as the depressed ones. I have no friends whatsoever. And I don't care. I'm failing. Again. ...Don't care. My girlfriend tells me she feels like I'm not telling her something... which is true. And I adore her, I don't want to hurt her... but I just don't care enough to change things.
Yes, I'm gay. I feel that is one main reason why I have emotional issues. My family is probably the worst ever when it comes to acceptance. My uncle is gay, and he is no longer considered a part of the family. Am I scared of telling them? Hell yes. My sister knows, she could care less... she actually was the one that introduced me to my current girlfriend. My grandma knows, and she watches some LGBTQ movies with me. She doesn't mind it.
But everyone else is a different story. I'm so afraid of them knowing. It scares the living hell out of me.
Back to the point. I'm now 16, almost 17. Still not out of the closet... at home. Everyone at school knows. I have no friends, and I'm numb. Last night, I relapsed. Bad... I couldn't feel the razor slicing my skin. I couldn't fucking feel it. My mom had to break into my room because I passed out. And now I'm probably going to some mental hospital. Dandy.
My name is Mel. I am, without a doubt, a cutter.
( Pictures of me... )
anyone... help?
PS. Add me on myspace
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